i cant believe. that some things could happen. but it did. and yeah. as a result i just spent some alone time before my match today at mjc. at coffee club with a cuppa and screwtape letters. nice alone time. but oh well. obviously i wish i had better choices. penned this entry down. and thought. yeah.
one day i know. i just know that when i scroll back on this entry i'd laugh at myself. laugh at my ignorance. laugh at my stupidity. and how much i have grown from there. after all. when i look back at my past entries (not in my blog. but in my notebook) they seem so fickle. so misdirected. and even very very absurd at the present moment. but yeah. can scarcely believe one can be so useless. a lot of the time. but right now. just. really. useless. need to find something. to SNAP OUT OF THIS SHIT. big time.
the world's a stage. and we are merely players. scene by scene. act by act. the play rumbles on. seemingly no end in sight. in pursuit of.. meaning. in pursuit of... things of the world. have forgotten/overlooked/belittled/thrown aside my bare necessities. like wearing funky pants without the underwear. and basically. you end up like a complete moron. and thats how i feel right now.
a complete moron.
i need trust. trust that He will NOT treat me like a baby and drop sweets and nuggets of gold in my lap. but that He will provide doors. not doors that will show me the path i have to take. but many many identical doors. doors aplenty. doors for me to knock on, doors to be opened, doors for me to explore. and most importantly. doors to be slammed (damn those doors) straight back in my face.
i need to define my life. i need to define. who i am. even after all this while.
im still left wondering.
realized.
im not losing you.
its that
i never had you. at all.
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